dating 2016

How to Date in 2016

relationships

Welcome to the age of Tinder, Netflix and chill and hedonistic shallow relationships!!

Isn’t it great?!?!  You can just download an app, send a few lines of text, (which are usually read without context and therefore interpreted incorrectly)… and *poof!* a relationship made up in your head is formed.

Suddenly, your empty void is filled and you are texting back and forth in a flirty banter that makes you feel slightly dirty and yet oddly confident!  Does it matter that you’re an unintentional contestant in your very own Tinder Bachelor?  No way, they’re clearly only interested in you because you’re so super.  Fuck those other tinder sloots.

Sooooo if you haven’t interpreted the sarcasm yet, by “this is great” I mean absolutely horrible and wrong. Which you’ve told yourself over and over and yet… keep making excuses about. Let’s just take a minute though, together, to be honest with each other.  This entire process is f*cked.

F*****cked.

Again. Sit with it. Let it settle.

F*cked.

UNLESS of course, you’re a super creepy perv, or a sex addict, or even a dude with a gf who needs to creep around without her knowing.  In THAT case, it is super peachy.

And let’s be honest, for those free-spirited sexually charged ladies who recently broke up with their guys it isn’t that terrible (unless you meet the aforementioned creepy pervs/sex addicts/dude with gf).

We’ve all asked ourselves – “Where did this come from? How did it get like this?”  WELL. I’M ABOUT TO DROP SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YOU RIGHT NOW.

THE ANSWER IS…

It is you.  It’s f*cking you.

Don’t even try to deny it.  To my fellow women, don’t even try to say “f*ck that, that guy said [insert random rude comment]” or “how could you even say I prompted [insert random terrible action]”. And to my guys, I’ll stop you before your comment “that [female name calling] knew what this was”, or “I literally said hi and she was like [explicit proposition]”.

Those remarks, my friends, are what psychologists call projecting, or, blame shifting.  And they don’t just call it that because it’s fun to say and they like to sound smart (well, not the only reason); it’s called that because it happens so often that it actually needs a term.

The reason dating is the way it is today is because of each and every single one of us. We project our behavior onto others and then use that to excuse away the behavior.

So how do we change it?

Ladies – Next time a guy you meet online says something that doesn’t feel right, or makes you feel insecure/uneasy/wrong, rather than going with it, call them out.   “What you said is not okay with me and I won’t be talked to like that”. No matter what he says after that, that sentence does not make you a b*tch.  It makes you someone who respects herself. You know this; you know his behavior is not okay.  So instead of not reacting directly and then b*tching to your girls about it, realize that you can make a difference and change your behavior.

Guys – same blurb, different example.  You’re on an online dating site because you’re single and your penis needs some attention.  You ask girls to come over to have a drink and watch Netflix and they do.  So you take the position that they are, how we say… sloooooty. Let’s take a walk on a wild side and imagine if you had asked them for a walk on the sea-wall and an ice cream instead.  Holy f*ck! The date doesn’t end in them naked! Whaaaaat?!

My point is, don’t bitch about today’s dating lifestyle while participating in it. You always have a part in your predicament. I have yet to hear of a single situation where someone didn’t have a part in their uncomfortable circumstance. Try me. (seriously, comments below). Name a situation, and I’ll outline your part, however small, in continuing the pain/discomfort rather than moving on.

The good news?  If it’s our fault this atrocity is happening, then we have the power to change it. What if you delete tinder? Plan a romantic date for that girl you just met? Block that guy’s number from your phone for his remarks?

Next time, rather than tearing down today’s dating style. Take one action that actively prevents it.

 

Advertisements
Donald Trump dummy

Your Opinion Doesn’t Matter

donald trump

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT ANYONE WHO WANTS TO PUBLICLY DISPLAY THEIR OPINION ABOUT ANYTHING, NOW CAN.  With the assistance of the WORLD WIDE WEB!!!!!

??? I hope at this point you are saying “duh, what’s your point?”

Which you should be!  Other questions should be “Why is this weirdo using all capitals?  Why is she so worked up about this? Why does this even matter?”.

In which case….

It’s because, although on the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter that an uncomfortable amount of people are:

  1. Backing Donald Trump for president
  2. Saying that fat people just need to be yelled at more to be skinny
  3. That all people on welfare should be drug tested

[pause for dramatic effect]

If you’re smart… you may be saying at this point, “well, but it does matter! I should stop reading now because that is so stupid I’m surprised we’re even mentioning it!” …In which case I will say KUDOS to you for using that large mass within your skull we call a “brain”. But bear with me…

I say it doesn’t really matter because it wouldn’t matter if people like us didn’t give it so much damn attention.  I realize that is more irony thrown into the mix because I’m writing about it but I felt the ends justified the means here and I’ll keep it brief.

WHY THE F&*K ARE WE TALKING ABOUT AND SHARING THIS GARBAGE?!

Apparently when dumb people say dumb things on social media we feel the need to share it and advertise how dumb it is.  But do you know what that does?  It just promotes that dumb content to more people who catch on and say “oh yeah, I think the same way! Fuck those [insert random group of minorities being targeted this week]”.

WHAT THE HE**.

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONES.  And yet, we continue to promote, share, and advertise these racist, rude, and immoral remarks all in the name of defacing them.  How do we not see that by doing so we only work to promote the message that they intend to spread.

I need to stop now, because I’ve already gone on too long and done exactly what I’m messaging not to do.  I hope it’s for a good cause.  The next time you see an ignorant remark – please don’t share it.  Share this instead.

#besmart #dontpromotehate #loveall #globallove

 

 

Appreciating Your Worth

Uncategorized

Relationships are difficult. Pursuing a relationship is even more difficult and anyone that has experienced the dating landscape will agree that the entire process is time consuming, frustrating and at many times overtly embarrassing.

So why do we do it? Perhaps it’s the complexity and mystery of meeting and engaging with another person on an emotional level. Or maybe it’s our avsion to being alone. Perhaps, it’s as simple as our biological predisposition to find someone for the benefit of procreation. Most likely, it’s a combination of all of those things.

If you are like me, and have experienced both dating in today’s dating landscape, as well as dating 10 years ago, you will notice three very prominent things about today’s dating environment (*Don’t worry: those of you who weren’t dating 10years ago but are actively dating now can likely still relate):

1) You Can Google Everyone

If you were dating online and meeting people 10ish years ago you needed a great profile photo (more than one ideally) and a bio that positioned you in a positive light. People read your bio because that’s all they really knew about you.

Today though, people have so many options that most people don’t even read profiles. It’s true. You can test this by putting something in your bio that is either shocking (enough to be comment worthy), or surprising, and leave it there for two weeks.  I once wrote about my pet avocado named herman and only one person ever mentioned anything about it.

There is much more access now to online knowledge  You can google people, look them up on LinkedIN, follow them on twitter, and even pull up images from last year’s Christmas party.

So how do you stand out?   Well, here’s what you don’t do: Don’t try to be cheesy.  Don’t use pick up lines or ask rehearsed questions.

Why? Because you sound fake – you sound like you’re trying to sell something. People you meet don’t want to be sold on you. They want a genuine person who is real and genuine and trustworthy.

So what do you do then?  It may sound obvious but it’s true – just be you. If you’re nervous, then say you’re nervous and if you haven’t dated in a while be open about it. There’s nothing wrong with being open and transparent about who you are – in fact the more open you are the more trustworthy (to a point, please don’t go spilling your entire biography on date number one).

2) Initial Interactions Are Not In Your Favor

When you meet someone, you immediately (but unconsciously) judge them as one of the following: friend, enemy, indifferent or sexual partner. Most people you meet in a day you will be indifferent towards. Unless you have some type of positive or negative interaction with them, it’s likely that you don’t even remember them. The lady you pass in the street, the cashier at the grocery store, the man who held the door for you… indifferent.

When meeting someone that you are attracted to then, and perhaps may even want to pursue a relationship with, you’re starting out in a disadvantaged state. Most people (especially women), are wary of men approaching them in general. The location this occurs in can even make this significantly more true) – think of the gym, when you’re wiping the stair machine just as Joe Smith waltzes over to ask how your workout is going. Nope.

So how do you approach someone you’re interested in? Be confident – you are a great catch, and this person would belucky to date you.  If you don’t believe that to be true then you shouldnt be trying to date in general. Number 1 is love you first. Secondly, don’t leer over them and half-ass approach them as if you’re waiting for the “best moment”. If you’re going to do it then do it – if you throw in %110 and she’s not interested then at least you know you did all you could do.  Lastly, be prepared for rejection. Most of the time you’ll be shut down.  It could be for any number of reasons  and most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with you. If you get shut down and they don’t tell you too much on why, just make up a reason in your mind why. Any reason. As long as that reason doesn’t place any blame on you.

3) There is a Positive Correlation Between Your Response Time and the Number of Dates You Get

Have you ever taken a leap of faith and sent the “first message” to someone that you were interested in?  Not a person in front of you but someone you either met online or exchanged numbers with and haven’t really spoken to yet. As soon as you send that message a knot forms in your stomach and you just wait in anticipation, wondering if and how they will respond. That waiting is torture.

Imagine now if instead of waiting minutes for a reply, the hours start to pass.  You start to wonder if they maybe don’t like you, or that whatver you said wasn’t clever enough, or that your profile photo wasn’t your best angle. You begin to form a scenario in your mind of things that could have happened or how they may be feeling, which are completely fabricated and yet entirely possible (and in your mind, even true).

Now imagine that they do get back to you.  A day after you’ve sent the message you receive a reply with apologies that they were at a conference and had just received your message. Perfectly valid excuse and yet because of all those things that had been going through your head over the past day your image of them had already been colored. Psychologically we judge people immediately in our subconscious and then find evidence to support those feelings.

First impressions matter. Response times matter. If your email response times are longer than 20minutes your chance of piquing or maintaining interest is slim to none.

Interested in the way I write? Check out 101 Reasons Why it’s Great to be Single now available on Amazon.

 

 

donald trump

Should You Vote Donald Trump?

Uncategorized

The fact that Trump is even considered as a candidate is appalling… and frankly, the fact that he currently leads in the polls makes me physically ill.  However, given today’s access to social media, where the majority vote is not often based on critical thought, but on irrational emotional majority, it is not surprising.

The main problem is that Donald Trump represents many of our internal negative thoughts about society that we would never say to anyone, and yet believe to be true. We (the collective “we” of America, as stated by the current poll forecasts), therefore jump on the Trump bandwagon in favor of someone who is willing to voice the opinions we aren’t ready to.

The main problem lies… and the fundamental suggestion I URGE you to consider… is “although I take this view as an individual, is this a view that I want my society to take as a whole?”

Personal Ideology vs. Government Ideology

A great example is Capital Punishment: I personally agree that the “F*ckin sunnuvab*tch” that killed a relative of mine should be murdered immediately. My personal, emotional reaction is for revenge.  BUT – is this the reaction I want my government to have?

NO. And here is why:

The saying “an eye-for-an-eye leaves the whole world blind” is not just a fun poetic scripture.  If our society focuses on retaliation instead of rehabilitation, not only does our death count increase, but the innocent number of people affected by tragedies does so exponentially. Also, in case you weren’t aware – the death penalty costs our taxpayers significantly more than a life sentence in prison.

So, while I personally would not hesitate to harm anyone who lay a finger on someone I cared for, I do NOT want a government that jumps to retribution.

How Does This Relate to Donald Trump?

So how is this relevant to the current political debate?  While many of you many agree on his views on a personal level, please consider what this would mean if the entire country adopted this view. Those who have not read Lord of the Flies, I would encourage you to do so.  In summary, it focuses on how following the majority can lead to deadly, and inhumanly consequences.

5 Reasons Not to Vote for Donald Trump

So, here are 5 Reasons NOT to vote for Trump even though you may think it funny (or so help me, “a good idea”), to do so:

  1. Deport 11 million illegal immigrants

You want to get rid of illegal immigrants invading your country and stealing your jobs?  On a personal level, sure – I can feel your frustration.  On a national level though, to properly rid your country of these illegal immigrants it is going to take you over 20 years and billions of dollars of tax payer dollars.  Yep, I said billions.

What’s a better plan?  Well, preventing illegal immigration in the first place would be a good start. Let’s see what Trump has planed for that….

2. Build a US/Mexican Border

Oh, a border!  Because a physical border will solve all our problems. Oh wait, nope.  Wrong again. This would cost the country… you guessed it…  billions of tax payer dollars!  Okay… so if we are SO simple minded to believe that a wall will solve all our problems, how do we get the money?

2. Increase tax on China

Oh yes – if the Mexicans won’t solve our problem, let’s turn to China. As the world’s largest export country, why shouldn’t we raise the cost for them?  Oh, I have an idea – maybe because they are the LARGEST EXPORT COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.  and….The US isn’t the only Country buying from them.

Not sure if you noticed but Canadian/Chinese relations were automatically strengthened when China recognized that Trudeau’s father was a great ally to the Chinese… turns out paying attention to cultural differences is an important strategy in politics… go figure!

3. Surveillance of Muslims

Okay so if we can’t tax the Chinese without significantly decreasing our low-cost goods (and yep that means the great deal you got on the gift for your wife on Amazon), why not get angry and kick out all the Muslims?

Turns out even Canadians were hesitant on accepting refugees after the Paris attacks. Instead of accepting all refugees though, Canada changed its policy to accept only families, women and children (no men travelling alone), as the security of the country was at utmost importance.

Trump’s strategy on the other hand, is to accept NO MUSLIMS, increase surveillance on current Muslims in the country, and to bomb ISIS aggressively.

This sounds like a pretty solid strategy with absolutely NO repercussions…. NOT.

4. Cut Taxes to Increase Spending

Trump thinks that if he decreases taxes, the general US population will increase US spending and the economy will bounce back. However, will his attack on ISIS and current immigrants, those who are wise will hold onto their money – possibly even withdrawing it from banks in case they need to flee the country (therefore having a negative impact on the US economy).

Who knew that creating a knee-jerk, fear-based society could have negative economic impact?

5. Kill Obamacare

I’m getting this right, once Trump is in, Obamacare is gone and everyone needs to pay for healthcare. If you do not, you are fined. His promises are vague and he seems to go with the majority on this… but again… what the heck are you voting for?

Trump wants to win.  He will say whatever he needs to in order to win. Please read and consider your vote seriously before making a decision.

 

 

 

 

Christmas before thanksgiving

Nordstrom is Wrong about Christmas

Uncategorized

In the US, Nordstrom has stated that it won’t be decorating for Christmas until after Thanksgiving, saying it “prefers to celebrate one holiday at a time”. This resulted in a fair amount of band-wagoners stating that Christmas celebrations come too early and we need to hold off on Christmas until other holidays are celebrated.

To this I say “BA-HUMBUG!”

More importantly, I say…. “why?”.  When I turn on the news in the morning I am inundated with terrible things happening in the world. Our day-to-day access to information in the world is more negative than positive simply because it sells better.

Good News vs. Bad News

While it may be hard to believe, the good to bad ratio of events in the world is NOT  80% bad and 10% good.  We only see it that way because that is what we are presented with. If these percentages were true, the world would not be a place I would want to live.

The good news is this simply isn’t true. The ratio of good to bad is only what we subject ourselves to.

I will say that again: The good news to bad news ratio in the world is dependent on what we subject ourselves to.

There are thousands – no, millions, of events happening every day in this world, and our reality is based upon what we hear and see.

The Christmas Celebration Debate

Back to the Nordstrom Christmas Celebration Topic:

If I am excited about Christmas, why shouldn’t I be able to celebrate Christmas at the same time I am celebrating Thanksgiving? It’s not as if I am forgetting to celebrate Thanksgiving and ONLY focusing on Christmas.  Can I not be grateful for all that I have, WHILE being surrounded by mistletoe and garlands?

While I understand the business reasons for decorating one holiday at a time, social media should not take this as a queue to withhold excitement for holidays simply because “it isn’t time yet”.

There is NO reason you should not be positive and excited about every holiday.  You won’t forget about Easter just because it’s Christmas time, just as you won’t forget about Thanksgiving just because Christmas is around the corner. Celebrate away, my happy, positive comrades.

So When Should We Celebrate Christmas?

In my opinion, you should celebrate Christmas ANYTIME YOU WANT TO! If February rolls around and you still have a tree up are you going to forget Valentines Day?  If your pumpkins are on the porch in October but your mistletoe is in the doorway of your kitchen will you overlook Halloween just because Christmas is so magnetic that it blanks your memory?!

Of course not.  If you get excited over a holiday you should celebrate that holiday with joy.  You should yell from the rooftops, make lists, and arrange get-togethers.  You should not hide your feelings or decorations simply because it “isn’t time yet”.

Personally, I will sing Christmas songs any time of the year.  I love any holiday, all holidays, and I won’t be told when to celebrate them. BA-HUMBUG.

Like my writing style?  Check out 101 Reasons Why it’s Great to Be Single, available on Amazon, and Barnes and Noble!

best friend gifts

Best Friend Christmas Gift Ideas

Uncategorized

The holidays are fast approaching and you still need a gift for your bestie!  Maybe you’ve decided not to spend a lot on each other this year, but you still want to get them something meaningful.

Here are some ideas to get the ball rolling:

  1. Single Basket of Awesomeness

If your bestie is single, put together a Single Basket of Awesomeness: including 101 Reasons Why it’s Great to be Single (or a printout of the cover with a note that says you’ve bought them the eBook), a bottle of their favorite wine (or other alcoholic beverage), some magazines with scantily clad pictures of the opposite sex, and OF COURSE, chocolate.

2. Girls/Guys Night Out

Tickets to an event in town that you can both go to.  My “go-to” include food tours, comedy shows, local seasonal activities, concerts, etc. By choosing an activity you can both go to you’ll likely end up paying a bit more, but you’ll get to go with them! (Unless of course they are a jerk and take someone else… in which case why are they your besite anyway).

3. Representations of Their LIKES

We all know that one thing that our besite LOVES.  Whether it’s Martinis, Owls, Kittens, or some other random fascination, they have something that they absolutely love and even get excited when they talk about it.  A gift that has something to do with this LOVE will always win.  They LOVE owls and you get them an owl mug?  You’re freakin’ golden.

4. Inside Jokes/Bestie Specific Presents

Some presents are meaningful, and others are just silly.  If you know your bestie well, you probably have an inside joke or two, or something that really defines your relationship.  For example, I would always go for lunch with a friend and we would buy mint Kit Kats.  We LOVED them because they were so different.  SO, for Christmas one year I went online and ordered her a bunch of different Kit Kats in various flavors. Best gift ever.

Do you have some suggestions of bestie gifts?  Leave your ideas in the comments below!

Breakup

How to Quickly Get Rid of Your Friends that Suck

Uncategorized

At some point in our lives we find ourselves questioning the quality of our group of close friends. Perhaps you’ve been friends since high school and you’ve just held on even though things aren’t a great fit, or maybe you’ve picked them up recently after a friendly introduction in the bathroom bar (post-jagger bomb shot of course).

Whatever the reason, we all have those one or two (or maybe even a handful for you eager beavers out there) friends that we really don’t know why we’re still friends with. Yet, we continue the friendship and pretend as if things are fine.

Some of these friendships are harmless, and at times even helpful. There are others though, that simmer under the surface just waiting to pop up and shake the foundation of your once pleasant lifestyle.

How do you determine the difference?  Why, with this list of course:

Top 5 Friend Personality Types:

#1: The Single Clinger

This is usually one of those single friends that focuses on the negative attributes of being single. Whether it’s another “Lonely Friday night with the cat “LOL #catcuddles” Instagram post, or 35 Snapchats to you of dinner with the parents including “Dinner at the parents house, so glad I get food made for me #chicken”, they always seem to fish for some sort of affirmation that their life isn’t completely devoid of excitement and meaning.

It doesn’t matter if they’re talking about pets or parents or friends…. The undertone is always “I’m single and I’m lonely and my life sucks.”

Toss or Keep? These friends are good to keep around, as they are always there for you.  They are usually the most loyal in your times of need, and you are usually who they turn to for advice or.  However, if their Instagram or Snapchat stories get to be too much, it’s your job to set them straight.

#2: The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Obsessed

These are the friends that find a girlfriend/boyfriend and all of a sudden are gone from your life.  They only reach out to you when either a) a fight breaks out and they need you to reaffirm their position or b) they are becoming bored and need their girl time/ boy time.

Toss or Keep? Problem is, you will likely become one of these one day, and you will want your friends to be there in your time of need.  Sucking it up now and taking one for the team will only help you later.

#3 The Quiet Listener

These friends are the best friends.  They will listen to you whenever you have problems, and will wait for you to ask them about their own.  If you don’t reach out to hang out with them they will likely never text you, but as soon as you reach out they are there.

Toss or Keep?  Never let this one go – they wont be around all the time, but when they are, they are extremely valuable.

#4: The Alcoholic

This is that friend that you know will always be up for a good party.  Every time you go out and every conversation you have, drinking is involved.

You don’t know them on a personal level but when you think about them in general you feel a positive vibe about them. They are always up for a good time.

Toss or Keep? Toss these friends.  They often bring a lot of drama, and talk to you about their life situations asking for advice.  Other than that, you don’t know each other on a personal level and only ever bond when drinking together.

#5: The Advice Giver

There is always that one friend that knows the solution to everything. You have a bad day and you just want to rant to them – and they come back with some solution to solve all your problems. WTF…

Toss or Keep? Keep this. Yes, this is annoying, but who’s fault is it?  They are obviously a good friend trying to help you out, and yes you have the right to rant to them.  However, if they offer advice that you don’t want it’s your responsibility to tell them that you really just need a shoulder to listen and not a sounding board.

Get Rid of Your Friends that Suck?

Most of us think we have friends that we just want to drop. In reality though, it’s good to think about those friends that are just annoying in the moment vs. those that really don’t contribute to our lives in general.

Like my writing style?  Check out 101 Reasons Why it’s Great to Be Single, available on Amazon, and Barnes and Noble!